Grieving through fitness

Tuesday January 14^th was an interesting day. I had taken the day off due to the current circumstances. Ryan and I dropped the boys off at school so we had about three hours of just us time to talk about everything. After talking I decided that maybe this was my indication it was really truly time to put more effort into being healthy. Ryan and I have had the eating healthy thing down for about a year now I just need a push to get myself to the gym.

We walked into a gym knowing it was the wrong one for us but, knowing we had to do something. We ended up picking up the kids and heading to another local gym that would be closer to my work. We walked out with two shiny black gym passes. I was thrilled and ready to go.

As with any loss we all grieve in our own way. I have chosen to grieve by waking up at the butt crack of dawn and train for a 5K. As my friends were all talking about the Dirty Dash I said no, I had better not because I knew I would be a big ol’ pregnant lady at that point. I am now motivated, motivated to be stronger, be able to run, and hopefully chase my kids for hours at the park. I have not signed up for the Dirty Dash, yet. I need to feel ready. I have felt somewhat uneasy about pushing myself too hard at the gym leaving never to return.  I have however been pushing myself, I have being going further and further than I ever thought possible. In fact, this morning I continued for an extra 20 minutes after my 5K portion was over. I think I am almost ready.

I found that grieving the loss of this little tiny human has made me grateful. I am so grateful that for those two little weeks I was able to think about life would be like. I am grateful that in my lifetime I have been able to see miracles.

I wish that I had realized all of the miracles I have experienced throughout my life the most amazing one being my boys. Who would have thought that three little boys would need a home so badly, that Ryan and I would preparing for them without even knowing they were coming. I feel like I have a lot to talk about when it comes to my three boys. My oldest, Jackson went through a lot in his 6 months of life, he experienced things that no one should have to. You see when you adopt a child from foster care you have to read their file, his file was big and it was so emotionally draining reading what we read. Dylan and Parker were born at 30 weeks, throughout their time in utero they dealt with a lot. When they were born I still remember the NICU nurses and Doctors amazed that they weighed as much as they did. They had to fight through a lot those first 12 weeks but, they did and they are such a miracle. It seems clique but, I think finding my husband was a miracle. I am grateful that through my plan I was given such a strong man. His strength in raising in our kids, taking care of me, his knowledge of the gospel and running successful businesses. I think that miracles can be big or small, and throughout our life we witness a lot of small ones that really are bigger than we let them on to be. 

Two weeks….

Two weeks is all it seemed to take for my life to forever change.  On January 13^th, 2014 I lost a baby. I never realized how two weeks of knowing you were pregnant could affect so much.  With a miracle growing I was so scared, scared that what has happened before would happen again. I tried so hard to think positive, I found myself talking with a friend about the situation at hand. She was so thoughtful and caring that helped me become excited.

It was early so I didn’t want to tell the entire world but, I found myself so excited that I started sharing with family members. One night Ryan and I talked all about how this will work, how much life will change but, mostly how much our boys would love this little sibling. In private with him I was able to discuss my fears about having a baby, my worries of having a newborn and birthing a baby!

It was on January 13^th that I went to the restroom and found myself having issues. It was my birthday, work was chaotic but, I knew I needed to get home for what was about to happen. Ryan offered to take me to lunch but, food was the last thing on my mind. I came home and found my sweet 3 year old twins ecstatic that I was home early. I was sad. I was heartbroken. I held them and just loved them for a few moments. I then snuck away to my bedroom where I showered and changed into comfortable clothes and just laid on my bed pondering what was happening. Ryan came in and said I should surprise Jackson by picking him up from school so we did just that. After we picked him up from school we went for ice cream as a pre-dinner snack. It was my birthday after all.

We lost the baby officially at about 2:30am on January 14^th. I know that this is truly just the beginning of a miracle. I am aware of how fabulous it is, that even when we were told we weren’t able to get pregnant on our own that we did it! This was the second time that we had experienced this the first time being in October 2013 – that one was quick it left as quickly as it came. I am not sure if that’s why I am hanging onto this loss or not. This loss has been hard; I have truly felt so many emotions throughout the last few weeks.  I found hope in knowing that at least it can happen and now it has happened. I have a sure faith that with the right mixture maybe, just maybe one day I will be able to experience pregnancy in this lifetime.

A little about us.

My name is Katy and I was told that my husband and I never had a chance of getting pregnant in May of 2009. We went home that night and knew that adoption was the route in which we should take. We started foster care classes almost immediately, got licensed for children who are not wanted in the system (5 and up). We didn’t need to have a baby to be parents, we just knew we wanted to be called mom and dad and have a house full of children. In October 2009 we got a call about our first placement and an unexpected 7 month up showed up in our lives. His birthmother gave birth to twins In March of 2010 whom she placed with us for adoption.

In November of 2011 I talked to my doctor in more detail about the reasons for our infertility and he indicated a test had to of been read wrong to me. My husband and I had a slim chance but, a chance of being able to get pregnant on our own and that with a little help from a fertility doctor we surely could get pregnant.

I immediately made an appointment with a specialist and we tried three rounds of an IUI (artificial insemination) with no luck. Feeling frustrated and sad the heartache of what I was once told all came back.

I was not in a healthy place physically or emotionally at this point, but I had our three small children. So I fought to begin a healthy lifestyle for them as well as myself. My husband and I began making small changes and in August of 2012 we really made changes. A happier healthier me has blossomed.

In October 2013, I realized that I was late, ME, my period never came. This was unheard of for me. I talked to Ryan about it and we went and got a test. I got a very light positive reading so light that I didn't believe it was even positive until everything happened the next day, I went to the doctor two days later to learn I had experienced  a “chemical pregnancy” a pregnancy happens but, you miscarry before it even has a chance. This news was devastating as well as so exciting! I got pregnant. Let me write that again, I got pregnant! With any loss there is always grief, grief for someone I had hardly known was heartbreaking but, I knew I could only go forward.

I have told a couple people about our situation at hand but, never felt as strongly as I felt this past week to start writing about this. My names Katy and this is my fertility/adoption/crazy life journey!