Abuse.. there. I. Said. it.

The topic of abuse has always been a hush hush subject. I for one don’t think it should be. Let’s get real people one in three women is sexually abused (that’s on the reported numbers!!) and a child is abused every ten seconds. As a society we must do something, we must fight to give our children a happy and healthy home. That home needs to be open to healing, love and listening.

I have had the unfortunate experience of being part of some of this abuse. When I was 3 years old until the age of 13 I was sexually abused. When I was 15 it all came out I was in therapy for my “anger issues” when the therapist kept asking me the same question over and over when I kept refusing to answer. Once I finally answered I ran out of her room, my mom was there with me and I remember her getting up to chase after me when the therapist grabbed her. If I remember correctly my dad was there within minutes to discuss what had just happened. I sat out by a pond at the office and just stared blankly, I was ashamed. Me, I was ashamed that this had happened for so long and taken away so much of my life, I was worried about how this would affect my family and family relationships, I was scared to death that my parents would be angry.

I wrote a letter to my perpetrator as soon as we got home. I apologized to him for not being strong enough to keep it inside and ruining his life. I think it was good that for a time I was just worried about him and the ramifications that he would have to deal with it. If I wasn’t so worried with him who knows what I might have done. I was in such an ugly terrible place in life. The State immediately got involved I had to continue to see my regular therapist as well as a “State therapist” as I called her. Therapy weekly for anger issues is one thing, therapy twice a week for abuse is a whole other ball game. It was emotionally taxing; there were days I would completely shut down in those offices after telling parts of my story.

It then came to the point where I was asked to testify, testify to get this person off the streets for a long time.  This was a hard to thing to do, very hard thing to do. How do you tell everyone in that room those things that went on? I remember talking with someone at the Child Justice Center and they told me I had to remember the specifics in order for him to be sentenced. The specifics being; time of day, season, what I was wearing etc. This was so disturbing to me, I knew this happened at minimum weekly I even knew the day of the week but, this was not enough information. I couldn’t remember every time it happened, obviously. After much therapy I have learned most my abuse was an out of body experience. In my way of dealing things I like to think of this as the Lords way of helping me deal and cope with what was happening to me. I remember three very specific enough events that lead to the conviction of my perpetrator, I remember those very very vividly and they are so painful to look back on.

When I sent this person to prison because of their actions I still felt so guilty. Guilty that I took some part of their life away, I guess. I continued seeing lots of therapist trying to figure out how I could ever deal with this. I started seeing a therapist whom I really connected with, she understood all of the crazy thoughts that came out of my head because of the abuse. She let me know that the person I was, was actually very strong. She ended up retiring and told me that because I was almost 18 I could go to a group therapy with other woman who had also been abused. This group was called AMAC (Adults Molested as Children) it was in this group that so much healing was finally able to take place. This group met weekly for twelve weeks, there was 6 women in the group. It was in week 3 or 4 that we got to tell our stories if we so desired. Everyone was so brave going back to those moments and in some ways reliving them to tell them. It was in that week that I knew I had to be stronger than this abuse. A lady in her 60’s was there and she told her story, she had let her children live in a bubble because she never dealt with the abuse until that moment. I knew that I needed to find some way to forgive the wrong doings of my perpetrator to be able to move on with my life. He was in prison and I was fighting to get my life back, my life that was taken away from me.

Now, I am not trying to say that because I forgave this person and because this person was paroled because I finally said they had changed that each day is easy. I remember as he was released he continued on with a therapist with an active no contact order in effect. I heard from my family members how he was doing and what I needed to fully forgive him in person. His therapist had him write me a letter and it was in that letter that I knew forgiveness must be given. I have days where I want to just punch this person to remind them of the hell I lived through and currently live in; yes I have a relationship with this person. Yes, it can be hard but, the blessings of having that relationship outweigh the negatives. I don’t know that I believe in forgive and forgot because abuse has made me who I am today.

I am hoping to keep writing about this. I think that talking about it is the only thing we should be doing as humans to help others cope with it. Not everyone can or should have a relationship with their abuser. I firmly believe that my abuser changed, he made sacrifices to change and become the man he is today. I read something yesterday about addicts and it reminded us in that article that all people are our brothers and sisters whom we should love. If we love someone it can change their entire life.

Thanks for reading my babbling,

Katy