Two weeks….

Two weeks is all it seemed to take for my life to forever change.  On January 13^th, 2014 I lost a baby. I never realized how two weeks of knowing you were pregnant could affect so much.  With a miracle growing I was so scared, scared that what has happened before would happen again. I tried so hard to think positive, I found myself talking with a friend about the situation at hand. She was so thoughtful and caring that helped me become excited.

It was early so I didn’t want to tell the entire world but, I found myself so excited that I started sharing with family members. One night Ryan and I talked all about how this will work, how much life will change but, mostly how much our boys would love this little sibling. In private with him I was able to discuss my fears about having a baby, my worries of having a newborn and birthing a baby!

It was on January 13^th that I went to the restroom and found myself having issues. It was my birthday, work was chaotic but, I knew I needed to get home for what was about to happen. Ryan offered to take me to lunch but, food was the last thing on my mind. I came home and found my sweet 3 year old twins ecstatic that I was home early. I was sad. I was heartbroken. I held them and just loved them for a few moments. I then snuck away to my bedroom where I showered and changed into comfortable clothes and just laid on my bed pondering what was happening. Ryan came in and said I should surprise Jackson by picking him up from school so we did just that. After we picked him up from school we went for ice cream as a pre-dinner snack. It was my birthday after all.

We lost the baby officially at about 2:30am on January 14^th. I know that this is truly just the beginning of a miracle. I am aware of how fabulous it is, that even when we were told we weren’t able to get pregnant on our own that we did it! This was the second time that we had experienced this the first time being in October 2013 – that one was quick it left as quickly as it came. I am not sure if that’s why I am hanging onto this loss or not. This loss has been hard; I have truly felt so many emotions throughout the last few weeks.  I found hope in knowing that at least it can happen and now it has happened. I have a sure faith that with the right mixture maybe, just maybe one day I will be able to experience pregnancy in this lifetime.